I’ve always been a bit of a lost soul. Apart from being born in the Amazon, I know little of my life as a chick. But I’m hoping my recent application to Who Do You Think You Are? will shed some light on my roots.
And my life hasn’t exactly progressed as I was expecting. For starters, I always thought that, at 25 years old, I would have my own little nest somewhere, but then, a few years ago, my adoptive father introduced me to a girl called Manthe and it all changed. I knew from the moment I saw her that she was the one, so I have decided to stay in Mayfair for the time being to make sure she’s looked after. Luckily, Anthony is always either at the office, playing polo or smoking cigars at the Hertford Club, so Manthe and I have the place to ourselves a lot – we even shower together. I’ve tried to hint that maybe it’s time Anthony moved on – but he’s still hanging around.
If I am not at home on the balcony, surveying the comings and goings at the Connaught and Claridges, I will most likely be in the country down at the farm. I really love being driven there in the open-top car.
God, have I got some secrets about the goings-on down there, but perhaps those should be kept for another day.
I do have ambitions, though. It shouldn’t be too long before I’m running the show at Anthony’s office, the Lorenz Consultancy. I just need to get myself a tailor. I know Manthe means no harm, but she doesn’t realise that not everyone wants to see me in a cage in the nude.
Anthony shows no sign of giving up the business, so I am keeping myself busy with personal projects. At the moment, I’m trying to relocate a family of sparrows that have had to move out of the West End because of redevelopment works.
I have ambitions, but I have to say I am not sure I like the sound of the property industry more generally. Apparently, girls are pretty thin on the ground – and I’ve always had a penchant for girls.
I once got Suzanna, Anthony’s ex-wife, into trouble when we were driving through Hyde Park. A pretty lady crossed the road and I wolf-whistled. It was, I understand, very embarrassing and inappropriate for Suzanna. And no one knows where I picked it up from. There aren’t many builders hanging out in Mayfair.
Anthony Lorenz is senior partner at the Lorenz Consultancy
• We are on the lookout for more ponderings from property’s pets. If you have a cat, dog, snake or stick insect with views to air, please e-mail emily.wright@estatesgazette.com
